Growing up my family was always competitive. My sister and I always seemed to pit ourselves against each other. We compared, we wanted things even but in life things aren't even. And we were competitive. Watch out at a Feist game of Scrabble, we take that very seriously!
Since we now live across the country from one another I have a better perspective on this. What I didn't realize until recently is that I've replaced this comparison to my sister to my peers. Let me tell you a little story about me...
Vince and I met and started dating in April 2010. We quickly fell in love, however, V at first was apprehensive of titles and commitments but I stuck it out because I felt strongly that he'd come around (which he did) eventually. But what I may not have shared outside of a few people is how incredibly jealous I was when others, including V's younger brother, got engaged and married when we weren't. I was comparing US to THEM (not just the sibs, friends and complete strangers too!)
Fast forward to a few months before we got engaged, I was already reading the, albeit beautiful,
garbage in the blogosphere about weddings. I created this glorified image of what our someday wedding would look like. I also dreamt of our married life, so don't think I'm totally shallow on everything, please.
I have had to let go.
Of the way I envisioned things before, but beautiful things have come from that. But lately. Lately I will be honest, I'm comparing again. I look at others' marriages that are wonderful and beautiful and something from the outside that I can never, ever, appreciate as much as they do. Much like they won't be able to for ours.
But here's the catch.
I feel judged. We live together and aren't yet married and family members have made it very clear that they disapprove. But I don't. Vince doesn't. This may seem obvious because WE decided to live our lives this way, but I love to please authority and making decisions against it make me self-conscious.
It makes me compare.
Am I not going to be as good of a wife because of this? Is that what they think? It makes me spend hours researching being a wife who submits to her husband even though the whole time everything inside me is screaming THAT'S NOT US. It's just a bible reading, and there's a ton in there that I do not believe should be followed to the letter but as a guide to life.
It's not me. It's not what I believe. It's not what feels right and happy and joyful in this time of wedding planning. It's like wearing too tight jeans, they button and I can
fit myself into them, but oh, man, are they
uncomfortable. And I don't want people to tell me I'm wrong because I think about it plenty on my own. I'm thorough. Trust me I am. Don't make me where the tight pants.
So please don't judge. Don't assume that you know what is right for me, and my marriage and I will try not to compare my life to yours. Try. Try. With regular reminders to myself, of course.
