Comparison

Growing up my family was always competitive. My sister and I always seemed to pit ourselves against each other. We compared, we wanted things even but in life things aren't even. And we were competitive. Watch out at a Feist game of Scrabble, we take that very seriously!

Since we now live across the country from one another I have a better perspective on this. What I didn't realize until recently is that I've replaced this comparison to my sister to my peers. Let me tell you a little story about me...

Vince and I met and started dating in April 2010. We quickly fell in love, however, V at first was apprehensive of titles and commitments but I stuck it out because I felt strongly that he'd come around (which he did) eventually. But what I may not have shared outside of a few people is how incredibly jealous I was when others, including V's younger brother, got engaged and married when we weren't. I was comparing US to THEM (not just the sibs, friends and complete strangers too!)

Fast forward to a few months before we got engaged, I was already reading the, albeit beautiful, garbage in the blogosphere about weddings. I created this glorified image of what our someday wedding would look like. I also dreamt of our married life, so don't think I'm totally shallow on everything, please.

I have had to let go.

Of the way I envisioned things before, but beautiful things have come from that. But lately. Lately I will be honest, I'm comparing again. I look at others' marriages that are wonderful and beautiful and something from the outside that I can never, ever, appreciate as much as they do. Much like they won't be able to for ours.
But here's the catch. I feel judged. We live together and aren't yet married and family members have made it very clear that they disapprove. But I don't. Vince doesn't. This may seem obvious because WE decided to live our lives this way, but I love to please authority and making decisions against it make me self-conscious.

It makes me compare.

Am I not going to be as good of a wife because of this? Is that what they think? It makes me spend hours researching being a wife who submits to her husband even though the whole time everything inside me is screaming THAT'S NOT US. It's just a bible reading, and there's a ton in there that I do not believe should be followed to the letter but as a guide to life.

It's not me. It's not what I believe. It's not what feels right and happy and joyful in this time of wedding planning. It's like wearing too tight jeans, they button and I can fit myself into them, but oh, man, are they uncomfortable. And I don't want people to tell me I'm wrong because I think about it plenty on my own. I'm thorough. Trust me I am. Don't make me where the tight pants.

So please don't judge. Don't assume that you know what is right for me, and my marriage and I will try not to compare my life to yours. Try. Try. With regular reminders to myself, of course.

Indecision

Lately I have gone back and forth and back and forth again on how I want to decorate our wedding. Our package at our reception hall includes basic, non-floral centerpieces. I'm all for candle light but originally thought I needed flowers. I also thought I needed floor length linens. I'm not over them completely, but they won't make me happier that day so I don't need them.

The bigger issue is all the inspiration online is RECTANGULAR tables not ROUND tables. Well at least the pretty modern blogerific tablescapes. Martha has some pretty ones. Mainly I want our reception to be unique and I'm a bit regretful disappointed in doing a regular ol' banquet hall and not some unique venue. HELP.

Our ceremony is unique. A theater. Also difficult to conceptualize decorations.

Also wishing my mom was here to go to JoAnn's and Hobby Lobby with to play around with ideas....

I'm indecisive about decor and I don't like it.

I did decide to enter project phase beginning with painting my Ikea frames aka table numbers as well as a dumpster-dived mirror that will be our seating chart. I just asked Vince if I should steer towards charcoal grey instead of mustard as planned. More indecision...perhaps tomorrow I'll feel more sure.

An Open Letter to Drivers Everywhere

Dear Drivers of Michigan (and everywhere else too!),

Now that I am on the roads much more frequently than in the past I have noticed the terrible behavior going on between those sharing the road. I am quite certain that your Driver's Ed instructor did not teach you that the following are acceptable behaviors while driving:

1. Talking, texting, or singing to the point that you are unable to maintain your vehicle in it's current lane.
2. Honking while waiting at a stop light in the right turn lane. If  the sign says "no turn on red" you cannot expect someone to disobey the stated instructions.
3. Honking while trying to exit a parking lot because you think the person can make the turn when really they will be smashed by that semi truck that is going fast. Have some patience.
4. HONKING at all. The horn is for alerting others to danger or near accidents. It can occasionally be used to inform someone of a light changing, but please give them a reaction second. Nothing is so important to blare your horn behind someone because you're a jerk.
5. Limit hand gestures to signaling others to cross in front of you, signs indicating expletives are not friendly or appreciated.
6. Drive within an appropriate range of the speed limit. 10 below and 20 over are not great for the flow of traffic.
7. If you notice an accident, don't gawk, you'll never really know what happened in the pile up so why stare and nearly become an incidental accident yourself. Just keep moving, unless it's right in front of you and you need to call the authorities for assistance, you will not be helpful in staring.
8. Proceed with caution anytime inclement weather is a factor. Yes, yes, you do drive a huge truck with 4-wheel drive, but it's dark and I can't see you flying around in the left lane when my little Cobalt is slipping and sliding so be patient. Besides, slowing down is probably still a good idea for you.
9. Alternately, if the snow is not making the roads slick, don't drive like it's a blizzard.
10. Did I say not to honk or yell or have road rage? It's not becoming of you.

Sincerely,

Your Annoyed Fellow Driver